Letter from the Procurator of Judea to the Emperor concerning Jews living there at the time : something B.C.

Your Most Gracious Excellency,

Emperor of the Mighty Roman Empire,

                                                                                          

                                                                I am writing to your Excellency on the matter of the so-called “Jewish” groups that are causing so much trouble over here in Judea. Eight million Jews live in Judea herself. Rome has granted Judaism full legal status. There are four of them in total, and they couldn’t be more different.

 The “Essenes” are the most separate. They do not actively fight us, but instead live in desolate caves in barren deserts, they must be mad! They take baths every day, maintain the strangest diet, refuse to work on Saturdays and wear no jewellery! Although, they are nymphs, compared to the “Zealots”. These lunatics regularly advocate armed revolt, against us, the “impure foreigners”! If only they knew that it is thanks to your grace that they are not crushed under the mighty hammer of the Romans! They often commit acts of terrorism, and also have a sort of “police force” to keep their people in check.

The Sadducees are the “best” you could say. They always co-operate with us, and believe strongly in our way of life. Luckily they were Hellenized under the Greeks, so they are easier to rule than others. Last, but definitely not least, the “Pharisees”. These you could say were the most balanced of groups; not quite seperatists, and not quite collaborates. They still believe in their “way” of life, and even regard the ones of their own kind who do not follow these silly rituals, as “Gentiles”!

As you can no doubt see for yourself, these are a riotous bunch, refusing to bow down to your greatness.

Yours sincerely,

The Procurator